When my internal world is tumultuous, I start writing. I remember being in the hospital and this one doctor looked at the stack of papers I had with me and said, “Oh no, this is not good.”

Over time, I learned that it is not good to share a lot of that with people, but the compulsion is there because I’m afraid of my internal world and what is happening. I am afraid that I’ll be trapped in a loop of madness and never recover; a manifestation of my corruption.

I know now that feeling forever corrupt is a spiritual trap meant to keep one in a state of fear of self, others, hopelessness and despair. We are all incorrupt in Christ.

When my internal world is peaceful, I do write, but not in the same pressured and disorganised and prolific way.

In my life, there is someone I share all of this writing with, but as the years have gone by, I feel sad about burdening him with that. I know he is wonderful and has the patience and kindness of a saint, but I know I need to grow and find a way to manage this without burdening others.

At present, I don’t know how to fix it. But, I’m hoping that resolving my innermost fears will help.

I don’t want my blog to be a place of pressured writing like it was when I was manic. So there are times when I might step away.

Currently, I am feeling more in control of my inner world as I’m getting better from the intrusive thoughts. This brings me a sense of calm and I hope my writing here shifts into more overall wellness/ maintenance than recovery.

It feels good to be well and maintain a baseline level of peacefulness. And I hope you stick around to share those moments with me. Thank you for reading.