Have been feeling a creeping despair since this morning. When I was a kid, we had a pond (one of the reasons I like to be near water). My dad would take us fishing on the weekends. I would find the nearest earthworm and cast it out onto the water without considering the worm’s suffering. It’s a little ironic that I feel as lowly as a worm right now. When I see worms puffed up from my apartment complex’s sprinklers, I move them from the sidewalk to the grass. Their suffering unnerves me.

When I get like this, I need to sweat. Only, I didn’t feel like riding my spin bike or doing a hard video. So, I took a walk to a park I like to frequent; it has a pond. They call that a lake here but it’s not a lake. Not where I”m from. I didn’t wear my 15-lb vest as I felt like my own weight pressed upon my head uncomfortably. Wore a big hoodie to induce the sweating.

Listened to music and couldn’t feel the beauty of the sun; only its heat. I couldn’t see the beauty of the pond. I could only see myself and my imperfections. I felt like, since God is gentle and merciful, I should try to look upon myself in that same way, but it all felt too hard and impossible.

My left foot began to hurt. When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I used to run. I ran until I gave birth and tried to run afterwards. Evidently, the process of giving birth causes one’s ligaments to loosen so pounding out 3 miles after giving birth resulted in a broken foot. The university infirmary told me I needed to get it seen at the ER but I didn’t have insurance so I didn’t go to the ER. I suffered for a long time but eventually it healed. It only acts up every now and then.

I thought about running but it takes more humility than I have presently to run in this bigger body, especially since I didn’t use albuterol before my walk, and I neglected to take it with me. At the end of my walk, someone slowed down to let me and this lady with a dog cross over to our complex. I didn’t want them to wait for my slow walk so I jogged across. Shockingly easily. So maybe when I go back to the track I’ll try running; it is one half mile around the loop. The last time I tried, it was before getting pneumonia and I almost made it. Though I felt like my lungs were going to burst.

I’m starting to lose weight which is great. Haven’t been very hungry which has been helpful. Normally, when I get like this, I don’t eat or I binge. So, I’m grateful to be losing weight and for not being hungry.

Since I do need to eat, I made a healthy meal. I made taco seasoned turkey with black beans, corn and tomatoes. All on top of brown jasmine rice. And I sautéed some squash and zucchini to go with it since we had that sitting in the fridge. With all of that we had limes and avocados.

Well, I have to stay up late tonight to drive my daughter. I have this fear I’ll die driving out there in the darkness. I really don’t like driving at night.

In the meantime, I’m going to guard against despair which can cause one to become totally focused on self. That’s why I separated self. I want to be separate of my self right now.

In therapy this helps one to place distance. Instead of thinking I am despair and Bipolar, I am an individual who experiences despair and symptoms of Bipolar 1.

To separate from the self is to change perspectives.

Thank you for visiting and sharing in this moment.