I had a good day. But everything that goes up must come down. Especially if you have a mood episode.

I have a specific torment. It feels like a loop that gets activated at weird times in my life. It’s not real. It’s not going to happen. The participants change. All except me.

In the past, I would take more medication, exercise, stop eating, eat too much, be reckless with my body, lash out at God, and I could keep going with the unhealthy coping skills.

Maybe I’m getting old. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe almost 20 years is a long time to live the same intrusive loop that feels humiliating.

When there isn’t any consolation, I’ve decided to do what I can. What can I control? What good things can I do to distract myself?

Are the intrusions involuntary and overpowering?

Often.

How do I handle that?

I try to relax my body and let it play out.

Blocking makes it worse.

I’ve already tried solving for all of the symbolism.

So, I have asked God, as humbly as I can, to heal this wound in time.

In the meantime, I promise not to be self-destructive.