I’ve decided to take a little time offline to fully rest and adjust to my new medication. I think I tried to push myself a little too fast. Why? Mental illness takes time and I feel like I’ve been struggling for a while. Also, I have people and responsibilities I need to be able to handle, and right now, I need a lot of downtime. I’m also going to take a break from going to mass because my nervous system is heightened.

At the last mass I attended, the priest said that what we do in the present moment is the most important thing-not how many times we fall or have to get up again. The choices we make in the present moment matter most.

So, I really thought about all my experiences in shutting the door to God, and I felt great remorse. God loves and cares for each one of us and we probably shut the door to him pretty frequently. It is my experience that when God comes around, it can be painful. Not because God is harsh or punitive, but because he is all-loving and merciful and perfect. Instead of being defensive about the discomfort, I’ve learned (albeit very slowly) that one must humble oneself and ask God what one can do for him. As he has done so much for us through Christ.

Instead of shutting the door to God, I decided to give my spirt over to Christ for his help and care. In the meantime, I need rest and to get better. When I do go to reconcile with God through confession, it won’t be because I feel tortured, or because I feel pressured to by my internal torments. It will be freely chosen because I feel remorse for the past and want to express my gratitude for God’s love and care in my life, which I do not deserve.

One thing that helps me when I am feeling the pull of despair is to watch documentaries on YouTube about people with severe mental illness. I am very fortunate, and I am grateful for the help I have received and the care I have to live a more normal life.

If you are interested in watching documentaries, there is a channel called Extraordinary People. There you can find videos about people living with mental illness and their life stories. I like reading and watching documentaries about the lives of others as I think it helps to stem feelings of being alone in suffering.

Thank you for reading, and I wish you good mental health. As Dr. Frasier Crane would say. Yesterday my daughter said I was talking like Frasier. Haha.