My hypomania is improving. I still have intense reactions to my inner world, but it is starting to settle down.

Yesterday, as I waited in the line for reconciliation with God, I thought about my sins and about a book I started reading on how to make a good confession. I still felt something was missing from my confessions. Time ran out so I need to go this weekend.

So, I asked God to help me see what it is that I cannot see given my current state.

It was the answer to my torments:

I have always hated the Book of Job. I angrily confronted God about how a merciful and loving God could let that happen to someone.

I was angry about experiences of sexual abuse in my life, and I did not feel like I deserved that; I don’t think anyone does. I also felt like, in my whole life, no man has ever touched me in a spirit of love; you can tell love from lust. My despair at the whole situation is why I decided, several years ago, to treat men as they had treated me. My comment about cookies and how they eventually made me sick. I feel like God helped me control my anger and despair by causing illness in my body in response. And for that, I’m grateful. It helped me to eventually decide that being single and celibate is a better state for me given my history of trauma. I have been celibate since January 2025 and really, it doesn’t feel all that long.

In one experience in my inner world, I questioned God about his divine judgment of spirits and souls. I felt like it is cruel to take away love from someone and allow torment for eternity. I now realise this sin is the root of my suffering. I have Bipolar 1 but the way it manifests, in my situation, is related to my state. Just because I now see the root of my suffering, it does not mean I will be free of it in this lifetime. I know I must take my meds and take care of myself.

What appeared to be empathy for a pitiable spirit was actually pride and being confrontational with God.

In response, even though I did just enough to accept Christ, I was still prideful and withholding faith that God knows all things and knows what is best through his Divine Judgment.

This week, I had this feeling like I’m dying of some kind of incurable disease. I wanted to rush to my doctor and have tests done. So great was my paranoia that I told God I cannot bear it-so I asked God to look over my spirit since I’m not able to. I think being vulnerable with God really helped. I had to admit my weakness and need him to help me. I couldn’t help myself, nor could any physician.

I accept correction for my errors and no longer feel tormented. And I hope to do better in the future, with God’s help.

Because of my experience with Bipolar psychosis and my own hereditary inner world, I am very good with altered states and symbolism, but I am not yet proficient. I was relying on my own self in my inner world.

In the spouse intrusion torment, the priest had to pray for me because I wasn’t letting God help me in my inner world, where I am both powerful and powerless. Where I can see with great clarity but am also woefully blind.

Because I understand the root of my suffering, I better understand the spouse intrusion and it no longer torments me.

I needed God’s help to see what I was missing. And for that I’m grateful.

This is my update to the post Humility & Explaining One’s “Self”.