Recovery & Movement

Recovery from mania and depression is taking longer than I’d prefer. I’m sure much of this is due to hormonal shifts in menopause, but I haven’t been able to get an oestrogen patch prescribed. Long story. It would probably help me a lot and give me relief, but I seem to have this situation and have to accept it for what it is right now.

Today, I rode my spin bike lightly while watching season one, episode 4 of House of the Dragon with my daughter. I haven’t been exercising lately because of anhedonia and avolition. I don’t want to dwell on those experiences because I want to be positive on my blog and hopeful that I’m recovering.

Deaths

The deaths of two former high school classmates were announced this week, and I feel really sad about that. We are only 48 so they passed at relatively young ages in today’s world. I feel sad about having mental illness and having periods of time when I’m not as productive because it feels like I’m wasting my very limited time here on earth.

My younger sister died about 8 years ago, and it doesn’t feel like that. Her birthday was June 16. She shares a birthday with one of my very best friends in life, Paul R. He lived a long and well-lived life of culture and good taste. I miss both my sister and my friend, Paul.

I’ve been a little blue lately, and it’s uncomfortable.

Starting Small

I tend to be an all-or-nothing thinker. My hair is shedding. I don’t have a bald spot that I can see, but it is profound diffuse shedding that is causing me a lot of distress. I would prefer to shave my head down as it is upsetting to have medium-long hairs floating around and hanging on everything. My daughters do not want me to shave my head. I’ve done it in the past, although, I was much younger and it didn’t look too horrible. It was rather shocking though to many people.

Anyway, back to starting small. Instead of doing what I want to do ( research, write, work out hard, lose weight), I need to start small and do what I can to get through a day.

Slowly pedaling on the spin bike helped me feel able to clean the kitchen and write this blog post, and send messages to my friends. It also gave me hope that tomorrow will be easier than today was.

Concluding Thoughts

This is why I tend to not write when I’m feeling blue. It just feels depressing, no matter how hard I try to make it positive. I guess it is kind of like how in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy they say you have to radically accept how you are feeling without trying to change those feelings. Sit in your discomfort. Well, I’ve been sitting in it for days. And I’d like to not feel this discomfort anymore.

So, I will continue to find ways to achieve small things until I am feeling back to my regular self.

Thanks for reading.