After giving birth to my second daughter, I developed post-partum thyroiditis (later changed to Grave’s Disease). Due to economic and other reasons, I was unable to get care for that condition so I suffered for almost 2 years with it.
At the time, I also had Bipolar 1 and PTSD, only I was unaware of my risk factors for psychosis due to being misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Chronic Adjustment Disorder. Misdiagnoses are common in psychiatry, especially when one is young.
All of this led to a thyroid storm and manic episode whereupon my internal world took precedence over reality, and I became lost within periods of time that were ever shifting.
In short: I was psychotic.
I remember being in the hospital. This lawyer came to see me and told me that I had to accept medical treatment for psychosis, or I would be committed. Even though he appealed to my ability to improve and live a more normal life, I felt such despair.
In my altered state, I needed to make a choice. And, I faced a moment of terror. In that terror, I was aware of the depths of my brain’s brokenness. I could either accept it, or deny it. Accepting it felt like what God wanted me to do. So I agreed to be medicated.
Accepting that my brain had broken took all of the humility I had at the time. For years, I was angry that psychosis happened to me. Anger transitioned to despondency. I spent years isolating myself and feeling wounded in a way that I cannot express by life—and by God.
After the hospitalisation for psychosis, my former husband had me watch A Beautiful Mind. The movie upset me greatly, especially, when Nash has a moment of lucidity but then fades back into his delusions.
I am very fortunate that I am able to recover as much as I have. In no way do I think it is a character flaw to be unable to recover. I think what upset me about Nash is that he was brilliant, and I feel sad he was trapped in that mental narrative.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself, or hiding myself out of shame, I have decided to be more open about this experience in my life. It helps that my daughters are now adults because I have more freedom to be open about psychosis, especially during early motherhood.
Choosing to be open about this experience in my life, in hopes to help others and bring awareness, makes me feel stronger than I normally feel as it challenges me to be visible when I’d rather be invisible.
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