Shower

Forced myself into the shower today. While in there, I was in my head a lot and thought about my last post. About, feeling scared of when God shows up in my life and feeling the fear of it happening again.

Saints, and many people, feel a very secure attachment to God’s love and grace, while I seem to struggle and detach.

But, I think maybe when God shows up and it is painful is because I feel shame; it’s like I’m aware of all I’ve done wrong. And it feels…indescribable.

Up until recently, I never really thought about how my actions and detachment have hurt others or have hurt God. I also tend to withdraw love when I feel wounded, and I have done this to God as well.

Whenever I looked at a crucifix, I thought of historical people who committed that sin. I never stopped to think I cause wounds to those I love and to God.

So now, it isn’t that I’m afraid of being punished for all that I’ve done wrong in my life. Rather, I feel sorry for having caused pain.

At the end of my walk this morning, this song came on, and even thought it is about a romantic relationship, it made me think of times when I have felt shame and sorry for causing pain to others—and to God.

Low Mood

I’ll monitor this low dip in my mood. As a wise friend says, feelings come and go.

Update

After taking time offline to process my emotions, I cried and now I feel better. I guess I’m just full of stress today. Anyway, I think I will be okay. Feelings come and go.