Frank Talk

I have been feeling very sad about having Bipolar 1 and PTSD. While manic, I turned down a good job opportunity. Recovering from mania has been tough. I started feeling depressed after seeing how my blog went from a healthy living journal to mania central. So, I deleted everything.

Because I felt depressed about my conditions, this blog, and my social outburst (publicly manic), I thought to cheer myself up with some vodka. While I felt better for a moment, I have since been struggling with low mood and shame.

Spent two days in bed. Thursday, I got some much-needed chores done. Friday was a mixed bag, but turned out ok. Today, I spent time searching, “I’m tired of living with Bipolar 1” and reading how other people deal with those feelings.

As for getting back on the healthy living track, I realised:

• Drinking doesn’t fix anything, it just prolongs suffering,
• I liked myself better when I wasn’t drinking,
• I liked feeling healthy and focused on meaningful goals,
• I liked exercising and losing weight,
• And though I’m tired right now, I hope to resume my healthy habits, even today.

I don’t feel healed of my existential pain, but I feel more open to wanting my healthy life back. My last major mania was around 2019 so this is a big deal for me.

Though I do not feel well right now, I’m very fortunate and have family and resources to depend upon, which is more than many other people have. I am grateful.

In the meantime, I’m going to try taking it easy. I’m still recovering. Just a little slower than anticipated.

Thanks for reading, and I wish you wellness and existential healing.