Notice: Topic of Suicide

With Bipolar 1 you can feel God’s touch and experience limitless and ever expanding joy and gratefulness to be alive before you plunge into a despair so intense, you forget how wonderful it is to be alive.

Confession

This afternoon, I went to confession. It didn’t go as planned or as I had envisioned-despite writing 4 of my most pressing sins down.

I felt a little out of control. I felt bad about it too. No matter how hard I tried to pull myself into calm, I spiralled into frenzy.

I felt bad for the priest having to listen to my confession. It turns out my penance was actually insightful. I was supposed to read Psalm 23. I was so nervous during confession I really didn’t think about it very much. I was just thinking about how I wanted to leave. I did try to stay for mass, but I needed time to recover. I’ll go tomorrow evening.

Psalm 23 is meaningful in my family because a member of my family had that psalm open when he ended his life. It felt like that was a sign that all will be well and to be patient. Only I couldn’t stop tears that were determined to fall where they may.

My confession was mostly an extension of this prior post: Depression: An Update & Artemis

In March 2027, MAID ( Medical Assistance in Dying) opens up to people who are solely suffering from a mental illness in Canada. I brought this up with my family and a friend. It upset them. I don’t have active ideation, and I do not want to harm myself because I know it will hurt loved ones, and I want to die a good death-as they say. I just don’t know how I will manage this condition as I age.

In my particular case, I experience scenarios and I try to work through them. Many times, I learn things about myself and others. Other times, I feel tormented because what I desire may be a trap, or there is a perceived threat of harm. Sometimes what I picture comes true. Most of the time it doesn’t-for which I’m grateful.

As I’m Catholic, I am not supposed to support MAID, but I feel like it would give dignity to people who feel they can’t go on.

So, I feel conflict in my soul. This was the sin I really wanted to focus on as I know, from a prior experience, that I’ve chosen a path that requires me to be like the distance runner I was in my youth. I need endurance, resilience, and I need to let God help me out. That’s the point of reconciling with God-to not just rely on yourself.

When I was reading the Act of Contrition, I said I didn’t feel like this part:

“O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell…”. 

I don’t dread the loss of heaven and I don’t dread the pains of hell. I fear never feeling love again the way I feel when I connect with God through little things-even cleaning my fish tank or watching my girls have fun together. I don’t fear hell, as in, fear suffering. I fear being separated from God without being able to feel life again.

As a person with suicidal ideation, I do feel remorse for wanting to exit life when others struggle to survive. I feel like I’m trying to grow and trust that God is there-even when I can’t feel his presence or see anything good before me.

It is apparent that MAID will not be an option for me as it would cause suffering to my loved ones and would wound God for working so hard to make me feel better about this experience of my human condition.

Recovery

For recovery, I’m actually going to eat some food; I’ve only had a protein shake today. And I’m going to bed early again. I have a friend who has messaged me and I haven’t shown him some love today-so will do that. Though he is far away, his messages brighten my day.

I’m grateful for the sacrament of reconciliation, and for being Catholic. But I’m tired. Need rest.

Thank you for following along with me in this post. I wish you God’s presence and touch in your darkest moments and to always wait in hope that things will change for the better-even if you can’t see or feel that relief is possible.

Also, if you are experiencing active or passive suicidal ideation, please reach out to your care team or peer support warm line.

Songs listened to while writing: On Loop: Mad Season by Matchbox 20 and Lay Your Hands on Me by Thompson Twins.

To lighten the mood, I’ll share Mad Season’s Lyrics:

[Verse 1]
I feel stupid
But I know it won't last for long
And I've been guessing
And I could have been guessing wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should some how
Does that whole mad season got you down?

[Verse 2]
Well I feel stupid
But it's something that comes and goes
And I've been changing
I think it's funny how no one knows
We don't talk about
The little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

[Pre-Chorus]
So, why ya gotta stand there looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'll come around

[Chorus]
I need you now, do you think you can cope?
You figured me out, that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone, in this mad season

[Verse 3]
I feel stupid
But I think I've been catching on
I feel ugly
But I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now
Torn apart, angry, turned around
What that whole mad season knock you down?

[Pre-Chorus]
So are you gonna stand there, are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now

[Chorus]
I need you now, do you think you can cope?
You figured me out, that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone, in this mad season

[Bridge]
And now I'm crying, isn't that what you want?
And I'm trying to live my life on my own, but I won't, no
At times I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I
Feel stupid
And I come undone
Well I come undone
[Chorus]
I need you now, do you think you can cope?
You figured me out, that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken

[Chorus]
Well I need you now, do you think you can cope?
You figured me out, I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come, oh, I come undone, in this mad season

[Outro]
In this mad season
It's been a mad season
Been a mad season