This morning, I watched a video on YouTube about why people no longer want to work. I want to work. I like working. In my last job, I was the worst performer on my team and rose to be in the top 3 on my team consistently. Looking back on that achievement, I don’t feel as proud as I once felt. Instead of really connecting with people, I focused on metrics of performance and burned out.
Recently, I had a job interview with a similar company as the last one I worked for, and my brain stalled frequently. There were no words coming to mind to answer the interviewer’s questions. And when it came time to listen to calls for an exam, I literally could not remember what I had just heard in the calls. It didn’t surprise me when the company notified me that I was no longer a contender.
Since then, I’ve spent time thinking about why and how I burned out. A lot of it was the job itself. There wasn’t enough mental or physical recovery time after each shift. The job metrics were punishing. If I experienced a PTSD interaction, I could not take time for my nervous system to recalibrate. I literally talked in my sleep about work, and I just think I was putting too much pressure on myself. I was trying to prove that someone like me can still be a top performer despite mental health issues.
My natural work cycles are to be very productive for a short period of time and get a lot of accomplished, followed by an accompanying amount of downtime after that achievement. It is very difficult for me to maintain overly high standards over a long period of time. I need the downtime to recover and recalibrate. I should know this by now. I had just hoped that since I had been stable on my medications for a long time that I could achieve what other people achieve every day.
After watching that YouTube video, I didn’t feel so alone. A lot of people struggle similarly or with their own brand of productivity processes. As I spent time thinking, I don’t think I will apply for anymore jobs in my last line of work. And I might just take some time to focus on what I need right now.
While focusing on my needs, I do need to sacrifice some services that I have in order to adjust my budget. This will further damage my credit. I have pretty much given up on having good credit as I was doing well and then all of this happened. It feels like a never-ending cycle.
I’m not going to waste my time feeling sorry for myself. I have been blessed in this life, and I’m grateful for what I have. Working, for me, was my way of trying to advocate for people like me. Showing people that recovery is possible, and that I, too, can be a productive unit of society.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on how I don’t measure up as a productive unit of society, I’m going to focus on another pathway to work and productivity. I’m going to spend this time learning and writing.
Last year, I started a small publishing company for things that I write. I was so busy last year that I didn’t publish anything other than a short story that I wrote several years ago. I want to put time and effort into research, writing, and my publishing company.
In addition to that, I did start a coaching LLC for health and personal training. I plan to write some researched articles for my Substack that I haven’t actually posted on yet.
Maybe my path to productivity and overall wellness means respecting my limits and choosing activities that honour my humanity and the humanity of others.
Meeting strict metrics didn’t make me feel like I was honouring my humanity or that of others as the goal was to hit numbers instead of fostering real connections.
These are my thoughts this morning. How do you feel about working? And what kind of work do you enjoy?
Reality Bytes 