Went for that 5-mile walk with my daughter. I don’t have a lot of clean laundry and I wore jeans and a light cotton sweater and a giant hat. My daughter says I groaned as I walked. Haha. She said I was in my head too much. I repeated words she said to me so that she knew I was listening.

The other morning, I energetically walked 3 miles and sent my cute childhood friend a happy song, “Something So Strong” by Crowded House (1986). Explained when I was young, I loved happy music like this. I think it made him happy, and I felt happy about that. Instead of sharing the side of me that is a challenge, I shared the best parts of me, and I felt so happy when he was happy.

I thought a lot about my relationship with God on the walk. Maybe I have been unfair to God. God has been very gracious with me. There were times when I know things didn’t have to go well for me. I think, all God is asking of me is for me to spend a little time with him through my relationships and even in my reading. I have a Catholic study bible on my Kindle but I never look at it. I’m sure it has virtual cobwebs. Maybe, I can add a little reading from the start. Nothing too intense-just a little here and there.

I think God does love me and I think I am blessed with family who love me. Recently, an old romantic partner sent me the song, Starry, Starry Night by Don McClean and it set off some of this mad season. I messaged my cute childhood friend about it and told him it made me feel unlovable because of my mental illness. But, as I thought about it more, I realised it was an apology. So, I accepted the apology and wished that person wellness and happiness. And I apologised to my cute childhood friend for sharing it. Maybe it was insensitive.

Walking was a chore today. I was hot. I haven’t had a lot to eat so I was feeling it.

I’m very tired. I’m hoping this mad season has run its course. I have an important interview on Tuesday morning. I’ve decided that if the job is offered to me, I will take it. I want to learn new skills, like work on coaching to targets, and I think it would give me something to focus on so that I don’t get crazy as much. If I don’t get it, it’s ok. I will structure my time better and work on my projects and reading. I’ll have to adjust the budget, but things will be fine.

I was thinking to shower before mass this evening, but I feel tired. Being tired is a good sign. It means that the mad season is passing. And for that I’m grateful.

Before I close, I felt a serpent next to me before I heard it. It has been years since I’ve seen a snake on the trail. When I was a little girl, I would get paralysed if I caught a water snake or a snake came up when I was outside.

My daughter heard me gasp. I think I saw it without seeing. It’s a skill you pick up as a kid playing outside. It also works in real life too. For instance, you can walk next to someone and see them without seeing them. That probably sounds weird.

I don’t like snakes. But this time, the fear left and I took its picture. My daughter kept saying, “I don’t like how it’s looking at you.” But I’ve seen that look. It means it knows I’m a bigger threat to it than it was to me. I guess we can outgrow childhood fears.

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land
Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now
Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of China blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand
Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now
For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night
You took your life, as lovers often do
But I could’ve told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you
Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can’t forget
Like the strangers that you’ve met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn, a bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow
Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will

Update on post:

I’ve decided that with my fatigue and how I’ve worked really hard on my internal world this weekend, I need rest and recovery. So, sometimes I can’t attend mass because I’m not well enough. But missing mass just because I want to avoid mass, or God, would not be a good thing. I think when you have mental illness, you have to use your energy and conserve it in a smart way. And I think I’ll just watch TV with my daughter and rest tonight.

An interesting link related to the snake and symbolism in Catholicism. https://www.catholic.com/magazine/blog/lessons-from-the-serpent-symbol