Warning: Suicide mentioned.

This is an update to my earlier post today. No exercise today, but I spent a few hours cooking. The potato and cauliflower curry is still simmering.

Took a break from chopping up vegetables and cooking to watch the Artemis 2 launch. When I was a girl, I loved shuttle launches. I loved learning about space, and I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t stupid at math, I’d be some kind of astrophysicist or engineer.

While, with anhedonia, I can’t feel all my emotions, I know that this is something that excites me, and I felt like I couldn’t miss it. In 2021, I even watched William Shatner be launched into space by Jeff Bezos. I was so scared. William Shatner is amazing. I’ve always wanted to meet him, but I never have. That is, until I read his book, Boldly Go: Reflections of a Life of Awe and Wonder. I feel like I got to meet Shatner through his words and reflections. If you haven’t read it, you need to. Even though I haven’t been able to feel excitement or happiness lately, I’m glad I didn’t miss the Artemis 2 launch.

Before I resumed cooking, I spent some time chatting with a Google AI search bot. I know that anhedonia can be caused by the Zyprexa I take. That is why I desperately wanted to switch to Vraylar, but when I tried it last year, I couldn’t fall asleep. I still have 3 months of Vraylar and think I’ll talk to my doctor about it tomorrow. But, I don’t know if I can tolerate a medication change right now.

Anyway, while chatting with the AI bot, I asked it how to force some dopamine action in my ventral striatum despite the Zyprexa I took last night blocking those D2 receptors. The chat pretty much confirmed that nothing I want to do (drink vodka, jump off a big rock) is the right thing to force my nervous system to change my brain chemistry. Later as the chat progressed, it mentioned listening to heavy bass music very loud.

I have Bose headphones which are not bass heavy. Nevertheless, something miraculous happened. I was listening to Dwight Yoakam sing “Suspicious Minds” really loud when I felt my nervous system light up. As a teenager, I was pretty sure Dwight Yoakam was not cool. Adult me loves him and can’t understand why teenage me hated the sight or sound of him.

I pushed all day to feel good for a moment in time, and for that, I’m grateful. While I have not been actively suicidal, I have had passive ideation. Recently, I felt tired and wondered how I can endure this as I continue to age. While I’m not certain I can go the distance without wanting to exit life as mindfully as a stoic, I feel more hopeful about living with my condition.

Depression can drain the colour out of life and anhedonia can make breathing unbearable. During these moments, it is good to be open with our loved ones so that they know what is happening with us. And it is good to push as much as you can to feel better. It can take time, and it may not happen right away, but a moment will come when you feel alive, and perhaps, even excited about that.

While I don’t feel cured of depression, I feel hopeful and like I don’t have to fantasise about leaving life to feel better. Although Dwight Yoakam’s song, “Thinking About Leaving” is not about suicidal feelings, I love the lines:

But I’ve been thinking about leaving
Long enough to change my mind

I feel that is true for me. I’ve thought about leaving this life for a very long time, but long enough to change my mind.

If you are struggling with suicidal ideation, reach out to your loved ones, tell your care provider, and look for support online, by phone, or by chat. It may not always feel like it, but being alive is a miracle of awe and wonder.

Thank you for following along with me in this reflection.