Early Morning

Woke up at 0200 but I went to sleep around 6 pm. Was feeling really tired yesterday evening.

Ordered some groceries and got my laundry done.

Was very lazy and didn’t do anything else that was productive.

Direct Sunlight is Cruel

Rapidly Aging

I am seriously rapidly aging. I looked at myself on my iMac in direct sunlight and wow-I’m really old now. My brain cannot process this as I still think I’m 25. What is happening here?!!!

I guess I’ll just accept that I’m kind of old and a little wrinkly—and a little splotchy. I mean, when I was young, I was always outdoors so my skin could be way worse than it is as my age. In fact, I haven’t been treated for skin cancers yet. Knock on wood!

In my family, holidays were a time when folks showed up with all sorts of bandages from having “places” “cut off” or “burned off” or “frozen off”. I suppose it’s coming for me at some point.

Gaining weight on antipsychotics didn’t help matters. It really changed how I look a lot. :(

Taking up drinking in 2020 didn’t exactly help matters either. But, I’m doing much better with that. Vodka makes one think they look amazing and can speak Russian without an accent.

My hair is also falling out like crazy. At first, it was all the white hairs but now my few dark hairs are falling out too. I told God that I’ll just shave my head again if it gets too thin. I can be an all-or-nothing kind of girl.

I’m Still 25 Mentally

Even though I’m almost 50, I don’t want to adopt an “old lady” mindset. If I get old mentally, then I will just fade away.

While I can’t do anything about my splotchy skin, wrinkles, and overall age, I can improve my body’s condition by eating healthy and exercising. So, I think that is what I will focus on.

Aging & Relationships

Anyway, gone are the days when I feel like I have to look sexy or attractive. Even when I considered dating again, in the future, I don’t really want that pressure. I just want companionship with someone else who is also getting older. But even then, do I want constant companionship? Maybe not.

My last partner was a few decades older than me, and I felt a lot of pressure to be younger and attractive. I don’t want that in the future. It’s a soul-sucking feeling to be in a relationship that is based on attractiveness.

Before my last relationship, I was actually celibate for about 7-8 years as a single mom. Then, once the girls were grown, I sort of went a little wild. After ending a long-distance relationship that lasted several years, I really like my single and uncomplicated life.

I just need more friends and to be more social. Though my marriage was annulled, I don’t think I want to be married again. The more time I spend on my own, the less interested I am in dating—so, this year, I’m just seeing if this is what I want before I commit to it.

Concluding Thoughts

I didn’t expect to write about aging this morning. My sister, Diana, died at age 38, like Princess Diana. I know that aging is a privilege, and I should be grateful. I wish my sister was here to get old with me.

Anyway…

Though I have a lot to do today in preparation for spending time with dad tomorrow (making jambalaya), I feel like I’m kind of just unstructured today. And maybe I do need a day with less structure.

Although, I do plan to attend mass this evening. I will be too busy to go on Sunday.

Many Thanks

Many thanks for reading and keeping me company as I ramble about getting old.

I wish you a day of happiness at any age you find yourself.